I have not been perfect.
Haven’t stuck to my plans. Couldn’t quit smoking. Lost 3 kgs, gained them back. It’s been a roller coaster.

But finally, I’m ready to test the waters again in the dating/marriage pool. I logged into my account on a matrimonial site — quite expected to already have one, given my age. Explored the dating app scene too. And, just to spice things up, an old office colleague who had once shown interest reappeared.

So now, unexpectedly, I’m talking to three new people. Does it mean anything? Honestly, no. Am I giving them the attention they probably deserve? Also no. But it feels good when someone shows interest in you. Not the healthiest way to feel good about yourself, I admit, but by now everyone knows I’m far from perfect. I’m all flaws and all heart. My life is led by my heart. Maybe not the smartest way to be — but that’s me.

Somewhere in this phase, I also got an astrological reading. At my lowest point, I wanted to know: is marriage even in my destiny?
Turns out, my chart is very favourable — apparently, I’m about to step into the strongest period for marriage. The description of my partner even matched my type. Out of curiosity (and suspicion), I asked if I had missed such a period before. There was one, around 2016–2018 — coincidentally, the time I was most eager to marry my first boyfriend. But life had other plans, and here I am, still single, still searching.

The astrologer said I carry karmic debts — being a number 8 child, mine are strong. My partner will appear once I learn my lessons. Marriage is “unfavourable” for the next six months, but I’m on the path to bump into my soulmate.

True or false, who knows? But it did make me think.
What lessons have I taken from my experiences? I never really asked myself what I did wrong — I usually thought of myself as undervalued, misunderstood. And while that may be true, I’m also not the kindest person when things don’t go my way. I do have a streak of superiority (thanks, exalted Jupiter), and often(always) believe my way is the right way.

I’ve never done anything “wrong” in the obvious sense. But life isn’t always black and white. Maybe there are things I missed, subtler ways I could have hurt people without realising.

So here’s my plan: the next 10 days are for introspection. No talking to anyone. No picking up calls from love interests, even if they call 10–20 times (believe me, they do). Even my ex — who calls constantly but still can’t decide — is getting ignored.

For now, it’s just me. My little Vipasana.